InsaneJournal

Current mood:

devastated

:'(
Have returned from the vet.

Holly's headtilt is not improving. Despite the antibiotics, antiparasitics and steroids his eye's started weeping due to the difficulty in closing it, and he's started snuffling because the weeping is trickling over his nose and making it harder to breathe. He's still active and eating, but he's getting underweight and beginning to turn in circles more.

Dr Heather is recommending he be put to sleep and sent me home to think about it over the next couple of days. I don't know what to do. I haven't stopped crying for the last hour. I just want to give him a cuddle and make it all better and I can't even though I've done everything right, above and beyond the necessary. RIght now I'm just watching him grooming and wishing I could get inside his head and know how he feels. I don't know if he's happy or not. He chases me round and cuddles me but is it really enough to keep him alive? I don't want to let go, but if he's suffering I can't put my own selfishness ahead of his wellbeing.

I almost wish he would die quietly in his sleep so I don't have to decide but he isn't unwell enough for that. I have to make the choice for him and I don't know how.