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Aug. 22nd, 2016

Ugh, Mondays.

1) definitely didn't get the job, which I pretty much knew, but they gave me a bunch of feedback
2) tfw you don't realise you're stressed until you get physically ill
3) it's raining and I wanted to go to the shops fffff
4) going back up to my actual prescribed dose of pills, I'd dropped down slightly for a little while to see how it went but I think back to normal now
5) I'm cold when is winter over

May. 16th, 2016

John Locke: the original Thelonius Jaha. (Er, the one from Lost, not the philosopher.)

Thank you to the people who replied to my last post. I'm feeling better now after a weekend of sedatives and video games and huddling under blankets.

May. 14th, 2016

bad feelings )

Apr. 3rd, 2016

soul-tired. started writing on my tablet so I didn't have to lean up but the on screen keyboard is fucking terrible, randomly duplicates the first few letters of words, sticks a hanging a to the right of the cursor... idek. I have to replace my tablet - not only does it no longer charge while connected to the dock or in use, but the time on the clock is frozen and only updates when you rotate the screen. Looking at the same type that's available now (Asus Transformer) they've changed from Android to Windows OS and I don't want Windows. So I can get basically the same model I have already, which is some years old, or I could get like a Galaxy Tab of some kind and a bluetooth keyboard, because on screen typing sucks.

I have stuff to plan for during and after weatherbrooke too. but again. tired. when they get back maya's gonna muse about her birthday a bit and then announce she's going on a vision quest (tbd if she actually says it's a vision quest). (lol she'll barely have time to notice elektra. she'll probably name drop wilson though. fun times.) Laura is....... yeah. that'll be interesting. and unfun. but it's basically rock bottom for her so hopefully after that she'll start to improve. meanwhile ianto's going to try to make friends with the TARDIS by playing games with it. and in the doorway I have stuff going on with maya and mcu!matt. but right now I just want to sleep. I have unread mail but eh.

woke up at 4am yesterday. last night took 2mg lorazepam (sedative, normal dose is 1mg), and still woke up at 6am. fuuuuuuck.

I think... I'll make myself go and have something to eat and drink, at the very least some spoonfuls of yoghurt, and then maybe nap again.

Jul. 8th, 2014

Nearly caught up with Pretty Little Liars - just starting 5.01. And new Teen Wolf today, so this hat I'm working on may get done by the time I run out of new tv to watch. Which is prob good because I'm feeling sick :(

Thinking about my characters. Having some trouble with HG so I might drop her and put a "wait and see" flag on one of my others. Emily and Spencer from PLL are both on hold and part of me had been tossing up putting in a hold on Emily or Mona so now it's just a 2-option coin flip between holding Mona or not holding Mona. I'd kind of also like to play Cassie again, she was sort of a victim of me getting fed up with the other game. So it's possible I might drop 0-2 and pick up 0-2.

I want to sleeeeep :( I can't really be bothered replying to or posting anything much atm. There's a couple of important tags that might be able to prompt me to do something IC but otherwise, blergh.

Jul. 1st, 2014

The forecast rain didn't get here until tonight so today my sister and I bussed into town so I could see how much it's changed. In some ways, very little. In others, quite a bit. There are a lot more buildings knocked down, and a couple that seem to be going up. Only a couple though. Mostly anything new has been made out of shipping containers and other quick and easy solutions.

77 photos here with captions. The very last one shows the rough route we took moving north up Colombo St and then circling back to the bus station to go home. Almost everything was taken from either Colombo St or on about a block (about a hundred metres) of Cashel St, a pedestrian mall where our local drinking hole used to be.

While most of the damage is from February 2011, some is from September 2010 when the first earthquake hit. It was a larger magnitude than February, but it was on a more rural faultline, and miraculously*, no one died. On February 22 there were 181 deaths, and I think 4 more later died from injuries. Most of them (115) were in the CTV building which included a media company, several offices and an English language school. The man who designed the building had stolen the identity of a qualified engineer and despite being declared safe after both September and December 2010 quakes, in February it collapsed and caught on fire. Almost all of the death certificates I handled at work were of people who died there.

* I actually mean that. Maybe not in the Vatican sense of "there is no explanation but God", but it was extremely lucky. There were several stories of people who only just managed to avoid being killed by sheer luck, without any of them being balanced by people who did get killed by sheer bad luck.

Jul. 7th, 2010

I'm alivr (I think)

-I haven't been RPing for ages so there wasn't as much reason to be active here
-LJ still sucks so I mostly post to DW but it crossposts to LJ (is keieeeye on dw)
and I'm iun comms on LJ like wow_ladies and sf_drama and ontd_feminism
- I post some Torchwood stuff, some WoW stuff, some feminism and racial, and queer and lots of bunnies are cute type cool story bros
-still not working. still pretty crazy. I don't even know anymore.
- still on the waiting list for teh anxiety disorders unit. it's supposed to come up sometime in august. been waiting since december.
- my benefit went up $40 when I turned 25! it was so fucking excite.
-really rough right now. Blizarrd is being a cock and I might lose WoW as an outlet/social space. was already bad before that. been under effects of lorazepam for the last day and a half, started after my appt with my new doctor when I had to go over everything.
- I kind of miss people. and BL. and being more sane. and not feeling like any of my safe spaces could let me down at any minute. even criminal minds is being fucktarded. at least this season of doctor who was amazing but now there's no more for ages and apparently there's lots of character bashing in the fandom.
- getting hard to convince myself there's anything consistently good in the world especially with the oil spill

Dec. 14th, 2009

I am in fact alive

1. My rabbit is totally awesome. Except when it's raining I have been spending a few hours outside with him, lying in the sun reading or cuddling him. A few days ago he climbed all over my copy of Watership Down when I was reading it in front of the open fence door and he got curious.

2. My sister's been dragging me out of the house - to the pub, natch. Sundays is 3-for-2 tap pints so she and a friend get their Guinness and I have a Speights and we're quite ridiculous.

3. My internet activity is totally old school. I'm playing my MUD again, I have a level 15 myrmidon in the temple of order, law and balance (warrior-mage, essentially, and in the later levels they can work with runes, she's badarse) and a level 10 cleric in the nature temple. She isn't quite as badarse, but she's no slouch either. ALSO I'm totally playing virtual pet sites again. I'm mostly active on and This is actually good because most of the sites have games and between them there's like mahjong, solitaire mancala, mastermind, minesweeper and that sliding-tile game where you have to rearrange them to form a picture in a 4x4 grid with 15 tiles. (Khimeros also has sudoku but it doesn't give you pretend money.) So they're all thinking games, and they're fun.

4. Fandom on LJ consists of me usually being very laidback until humanity sucks and I get rage. So, pretty much normal. I write things or put together video clips to music and people tell me they like them. It's a good arrangement.

5. Speaking of, I have rage.

6. I'm on the waiting list for the anxiety outpatients unit. The waiting list is nine months long. Story to be updated in September.

7. Animals are pretty damn awesome.

Nov. 21st, 2009

I swear, if I don't get a tan this summer, sitting in the sun for a while every day with my rabbit, I never will.

When I think objectively, I also find it strange that I consider lying on the lawn reading while my rabbit flops in his cage to be spending quality time with him. But.. you know... I scratch him a bit and we look at each other and he tooth-purrs.

Also: went to meeting with the psych unit. Diagnosed with social phobia. Was told I'd probably feel better if I got volunteer work or something. THINGS I ALREADY KNEW FOR $500.

Oct. 21st, 2009

o an epilogue

I have finally done a Pepper epilogue. Shocking, I know. I've mostly been focused on vidding and writing human/technology slashfic. But there's proof and everything.

So now I have an hour before I have to leave to whine at my doctor about how my meds don't work anymore.

Sep. 16th, 2009

To do list for Thursday

- Work more on MS#7. PLOT. Title? MS#7 is uncatchy.
- Take notations of progression of Cloudy Now
- Plot mood etc
- Start collecting .dv clips from Mentalist
- Love on Patrick
- Walk bunny?
- Be saner.

Sep. 9th, 2009

I took my bunny for a run outside yesterday, after a while he flopped down and we had a lie down on the grass, it was nice. Been looking at outdoor hutches. After he's neutered it would be nice to get him a friend, not sure what my parents would say though - suspect they'd only agree if I kept them outside. He is quite moody at the moment due to hormones so I've been trying to teach him to be nice, he used to be such a little angel too. Hopefully he'll calm down after neutering though - and either way he is still lovely most of the time.

Got recced on torchwood_house with my post-Journey's End fic of all things. Explains why I had like eight new reviews on a fic I wrote a few months ago. Have to dig out the refill I was scribbling on on the bus last night to type things up. And figure out what I'm cooking for dinner. Mostly I just want to lie down and not think. No chance of that though so considering going to Eastgate for excessive amounts of candy and a bottle of midori.

Might take fluffernutter outside again too - must try and remember camera this time if I do.

Commenting too much work but omnomnom to sab and mangoz.

Aug. 24th, 2009


God I'm bored. I would go and do errands (need more rabbit pellets, new medicine, can't remember the third thing) but my brain is leaking out my nose and my body is trying to cough my lungs up and it's hard to think with a leaking brain so I really don't feel like working on fic either. Maybe I'll sneak a tag into my last battle log since I know Ange won't be back for a couple more hours.

I kind of feel sorry for whoever fills Pepper in on shit after he wakes up. It's going to be awks and painful

oh god I'm dying

Not really. But I've got the bug that's been going around my family. Scratchy throat Saturday afternoon, developed to full on chest/nose/head cold yesterday (Sunday), went to bed 6.30 and got up today alternately coughing and sneezing and freaking my bunny out.

Still, I managed to trim most of his nails, then since I had him wrapped in a blanket anyway I carried him round the house to see if I could swap cooking nights for later in the week (forgot they're going on holiday, but my dad gave me a box of lemsip).

Jul. 15th, 2009

So, my vet has swine flu. First my appointment was yesterday, then later this afternoon, now I'm dropping Holly off at 9am Friday and the vet will fix his teefs and they'll call me when I can pick him up. My poor darling. :( He is still eating though I gave him some new parsley and he crunches it noisily.

I am in a major funk. I think I will blame my girlparts. And I have to go back to the doctors soon. My sister hassled me into enrolling for a community college course on hieroglyphs with her but that doesn't start until August 11 so hopefully I will feel better by then. Mostly at the moment I'm reading, playing a lot of sudoku on easy level, learning my way around vidding software and occasionally writing something (the cool thing about is that I can see how many people have bookmarked my fics), though rearranging video clips is a bit more mindless than writing. Just also more tedious.

I can put sparkles in, though.

Jun. 22nd, 2009

Nightmares all night and couldn't pull myself out of them until now (ten am). I feel half dead still. My bunny licked my feet and stood on me while he ate parsley which was cute but I feel so sluggish and my brain is heavy.

Mar. 10th, 2009


I hate contacting strangers. D: outside my comfort zone much. at least email makes it easier. I am expressing interest in a broken sooty fawn buck mini lop. I hate doing this sort of thing - I am much better with automated internet shopping or going into a shop to buy something, but I so don't want to buy a rabbit from a pet store so I sort of have to interact with people. (Store clerks don't count as people when it comes to my anxiety. They're part of the process.)

Augh she just emailed me back, he is still available (yay) but I have to phone call in the afternoon. *wibbles madly*

But omg look at these preciouses

Feb. 9th, 2009

I have not used Disapproval Monkey in a while, clearly this must be rectified.

I've found the line of how much lorazepam my doctor will prescribe me in a quarter, which is 15 1mg tablets. Which means no more than one a week.


On a different note the fuckheads who lit fires I hope your houses burned down which they probably did because two towns have been obliterated. If you want to kill a shitton of people do it the old-fashioned way with a gun in a crowded mall, except don't coz it's shitty, but omgggggg. The environmental damage makes me cry. D: People with cars couldn't even get out in time, let alone wild animals, and plants can't move at all. DISAPPROVAL MONKEY DISAPPROVES.

Jan. 31st, 2009

I want a cuddly bb.

I've wanted a pet for aaaaaaaages but it's so problematic. I mean, I like all animals so I'm not too limited by preference, but on the other hand... I have limited income and I have to get the idea past my parents. Which means no cats (dad hates them) and no dogs (too high maintenance and expensive, and would be troublesome to other people). First I would want to save up a pile of money for set up costs anyway because those are always the most expensive bit.

I've had mice before but I'd probably discount them and rats for being too small and not enough interaction - you can train them to be friendly and holdable, but they're not really what I'm looking for. Guinea pig would be more likely though I would have to research them a lot.

A bunny would be possible too though I have to research them too - I don't think my parents would like a bunny that's free range in the house much, when I was a kid we had bunnies in hutches outside but the hutch is in disrepair and I would worry about cold weather and escape.

It is possible that we could get an area of the garage cleaned up a bit to keep a cage or tank in for something, I suppose. However, that's separate from the house and kept locked, and... idk, I kind of want something that's more... in my face? I would much like to clean up my room completely as well so I can see how likely it would be that I could keep a cage or tank in here.

Reptiles are limited in New Zealand because of the risk of them escaping. There are no snakes, for example. If I wanted a reptile though I'd most want a bearded dragon, and from the poking around I did, they are really freaking expensive here.

idk. I wish I was on disability instead of invalid's so I'd at least be getting like $60-70 more a week instead of the crap NZ$147 I live on. It's enough when I'm living at home because I don't pay much rent but I can't move out. (Though I'd not move out if I was on disability either, I don't really want to add anything to stress, plus we get super internet here.)

Dec. 30th, 2008


I... had a long rambling post about the upcoming emotional struggles of my chars and how their personality flaws will compound their problems, but then I marked it private. idk why. I felt weird about the idea of letting people read it... but idk why.

Maybe I still need to hide a little bit.

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