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A couple of months ago I went on this whole deep dive and realised that it's entirely possible I may be on the spectrum. I've considered before that some of my family might be but hadn't really thought about it myself, so even though I've largely decided it's not worth wrestling with the system enough to find out if it qualifies for a diagnosis or just has a lot of overlap, there has been a fair bit of processing going on.

On the good side, I've found I'm getting less frustrated at people at work. Like I've always been aware I don't necessarily think the same way as other people - for starters I have synesthesia and I pick up details very easily, plus I think very spatially - but somehow it's like some kind of... validation of that? I'm not sure, but I've found that I'm not expecting that people should be able to make the same leaps of logic that I do, or that they'll notice tiny details as important.

On the bad side... it's dredged up a lot of old RP stuff where people have targeted my characters or there's been excluding or whatever going on both ICly and OOCly where I've almost never understood *why*. And it sucks, and it's exhausting, and it solidifies the feeling that I'm the common denominator in it all. It feels like I'm never going to get away from either me or my characters or quite often both spending so much time being lonely and isolated and not knowing what they're doing wrong, and it's just... inevitable. So. I don't know. It doesn't make me too optimistic about things improving, really.

I got to watching some of my old Torchwood fanvids (and I mean, like, ten years old old) and I was thinking of re-uploading some to Vidders.net and then I realised they're already there. Some of them are kind of terrible though.

The actual okayish ones:

Numb (Jack,Doctor)
Don't Tell The Captain (Jack/Ianto)
The Day Before (Rhys/Gwen)
Half-Jack (Alice,Jack)
Robots (Daleks,Cybermen)
Liontamer (Torchwood)
Why Does My Heart (Feel So Bad) (Jack,Team)
A Soldier's Poem (Team)
Sleepyhead (Jack - end of season one, unfinished, the last one I worked on)

For content warnings, note that Robots has canon-typical violence but is fairly light-hearted; The Day Before is safe but angsty, Sleepyhead is safe, the rest all feature varying amounts of violence including character death and child death. Half-Jack is particularly brutal for this and Why Does My Heart is entirely about Jack constantly losing everyone he loves. There are some definite Themes of unhealthy relationships and trauma making people fucked up, and my god did I lean heavily on repetition of short clips, some of which look really clunky now. If I could I would go back and redo a lot of the editing.

ahahaha I just did an RP Christmas presents checklist and ticked off who's buying presents for who and Sam has like 30 people on his list not even counting the fact that he's probably going to buy something for literally all the kids.

(Angela has 2.)

This is why Maya does candy baskets. How did this happen he doesn't even like people.

What a special year it's been. Oh, well. Still working. Still RPing, even if there are definite challenges at times. Started sleep and fitness tracking. Have five figures in savings. It's not all bad I guess.

alksjflkajgkajga Soldier Supreme's library

Something I've been thinking about is how much fictional media conflates intelligence and knowledge. Like anyone who's a genius on tv or movies or comics (less so books, it feels like) will be able to do anything that's even vaguely related to whatever broad area they're a genius in (technology, medicine, etc), no matter their age, with no real consideration for... how they learned that. Being smart isn't a substitute for having studied the fundamental basics of a field. I think it's half deus ex genius for plot purposes and half just that the only way people know how to demonstrate intelligence in a character is having them know stuff, and it's easier to go broad because then you don't have to do as much research on the really technical parts of the one field they specialised in. One day I want to play a character who's really, really smart, but hasn't had the opportunity to get any real education beyond like basic literacy and numeracy, just for the challenge of trying to show the intelligence without the crutch of "oh yes, I can program and hack and do robotics and build a physical computer out of scavenged Radio Shack parts and hey look did you need this highly specific device that realistically probably requires that we first build several other machines and materials so we can actually build the parts, I'll have it for you in half an hour! My inventions can interface with the human body super easy because the brain isn't complicated at all! Who needs prototypes and lengthy testing periods? Not me! And I'm only 16!"

This may sound like a subtweet but it's really not, it's just that so much media has tech geniuses that it's bound to fit, like, half of them. S2g, tech geniuses and redhaired girls are the two absolute most over-used characteristics in fiction. I know I've played something like four of each, probably more.

godddd I can't wait for a steve to turn up at this game and be like "....why are sam and tony best friends now". sam as a science bro is so great, I love messing with the multiverse.

Love my beautiful gorilla cow babies

Everything is either playing with people you don't particularly like or banging your head against a wall trying to break into cliques.

I'm not sure the writers actually appreciated the make-up of the team they were creating in the Infinity Warps arc. I mean, it's a throwaway team for a pocket dimension, they're not actually writing it, so they don't really have to think about it. But like...

▪ Soldier Supreme, a blend of two adult males who is an adult male
▪ Iron Hammer, a blend of two adult males who is an adult male
▪ Arachknight, a blend of two adult males who is four adult males in one body
▪ Weapon Hex, a blend of two women, one below drinking age, who is canonically barely 18 and those 18 years were spent preparing to be the host body of an ancient evil

The Warp World Defenders are Three Men and a Baby. That is a team that is designed for sitcoms. I kind of wish they were writing it, honestly.

endgame spoilers go here ⬇️

(I've already had a ton but variety and all)

Realised today there's only been two other periods in the last twenty years I wasn't doing some kind of RP.

( infinity war & endgame stuff (no endgame spoilers bc I don't care enough to know any) + bonus falcon and winter soldier )

( cw: terrorism, white supremacism, violence )

( mental illness stuff )

I was thinking about how Falke's going to be really conflicted about Tony now with his AU update* and realised that him figuring out his dream was actually new memories is actually a great reason for another round of weird presents. *happy claps* Though he gets to shop off Amazon again now instead of "stuff he found in the desert full of lost caravans and corpses" so it could be slightly less weird... or slightly more weird. Could go either way.


* footage got leaked of him uh strongly resisting arrest at the airport and the media was pretty curious about who this guy was and Tony said basically that he was a victim and should have been gotten help instead of being locked up and showed video of him showing up mid-battle to do battlefield medicine. Of course he also shaded the hell out of Steve over getting him involved... and then Falke killed a bunch of IDF who tried to capture him and lost whatever poor broken lamb cred he had... but you know, it was a gesture.

Working on Falke's AU for the between-movies gaps etc and honestly one of my favourite things is just that he never has a single fucking clue about what's going on. Like, he turns up end of Winter Soldier, then there's Age of Ultron which he completely missed and I really don't know if he even knows it happened at all still, Civil War where Clint fetched him and brought him to Germany and Steve told him who to hit but never really explained why, Black Panther that he actually slept through, and then Infinity War he's going to miss basically all the explanation and set up again as well. At this point I don't care how many more movies I play him for, I'm going to keep this going as long as I damn well can. It's just a rule now. He's never allowed to know what's going on.

I mean I haven't actually seen this yet but since I'm logged in anyway and I've read a ton of spoilers

( IW spoilers and Displaced musings )

Um so in the last few days

- they arrested the Golden State Killer (EAR/ONS)
- Cosby was found guilty (at least there was some kind of lead up/warning for this one)
- the Korean war ended

Any other problems from the middle of last century we can get cleared away by the end of this week???